Date

thoughts, well accounts really:

we 31-12-03

last bit

In the past microsoft's wordpad gave up on texts exceeding about 32 k, forcing me to start a new page for this diary about every 3 months, but on the XP machine I seem to be able to go on forever. A too long page and increasing problems in adding and aligning images is now the reason to flip over, besides, a new year is a pretty good excuse too!

What did I do this past 2 weeks:
I needed a good excuse to try out my new motorbike. So I spent Christmas-Eve at the Dirty Dicks' golden-showernight, where most of the time I had this older guy eating my ass out. He was very, very experienced and technically skilled at this, so I could not get myself to move away from his probing tongue. I had not planned this, so my bowels were almost empty, but still he managed to extract every last grain of the remains of my last dinner from there. He also was great at cleaning up afterwards: no stain nor smell remained, I could just pull up my pants and walk away from my favorite place of worship. I can recommend it the everybody who's in search of the most profound Christmas experience.
Maybe a tip for Henny Huisman (dutch EO joke).

As said earlier, the upstairs john there, left unchanged for 20 years, despite all renovations to the downstairs cruising rooms, is my place of pelgrimage, especially now the future of tolerance at Eindhoven's Vagevuur lies very much in the balance.
I will however go there tonight, together with Martin, his friend Bernard, and Rotterdam-Shaft's Richard to hail in the new year hopefully in similar circumstances as described for Christmas, but also to get my thoughts and approach towards their new policies clear.

Mind you, I can deal with and respect the homo-culture's new wave that I call the "new prudism". Maybe we, the children of the revolution (according to T-rex's Marc Bolan) overdid it a bit in flaunting the sexual freedom we fought so hard for in our younger years. Now we have it all we wonder what use it is when most homo's just seem to say "thank you for giving us the gay marriage" and revel in the miracle of "normal" romance, to retreat to the doublebed with the husband, never to be seen again.

what I do not accept is when the new homo generation teams up with the religious right and declare the views we devellopped towards our sexual lifestyle almost criminal.

One of my new years resolutions is to better my legal insurance, as Ton, conductor of the boys-choir, I wrote about on 05-12, is held behind bars for the holiday season .

tu 11-12-03

lifted spirits

Hard at work again at the most creative theater in the country: Haarlem's Toneelschuur. Doing Deserto Rosso by Truus Bronkhort. It's a very impressing piece filled with SM or should I just call it "domestic violence"; 2 girls getting beaten up, humiliated, strung up for 90 minits almost nonstop. WOW! No wonder some people cannot take it all and escape the audotorium during the show. But I'm overjoyed and cannot start to explain how I enjoy working with Marien Jongewaard again, after all these years. He's the husband of Truus, and I did some 5 different programs with him during the late eighties, early nineties. Première tomorrow, so gotta fly . . .

fr 05-12-03

more sadness

A good friend of mine, schoolteacher and conductor, artistic-director of a children's choir for over 20 years is in jail: Ton always evaded the pittfalls of these hazardous professions with humour, ingeniuity and respect. But this time those treacherous creatures, who were always were his major threat: the envious mothers who could not stand that their kid did not get to sing the lead, have succeeded in a major revenge. Of course the enquiry is not finished yet and that makes it difficult for our local gay organisation to express opinion or support in this case, but I as a private person who did spend some great mondaynights with Ton, and worked on theaterprojects with the choir in the eighties, can say that I find it very inprobable he'd èver harm a minor. I do know he was greatly loved by most kids in the choir, who now all regret the choir-rehearsals are completely suspended, and resumption of his teaching carreer will, even when he's cleared of charges, probably never be possible anymore. We all know that kids at that age (8 to 15) are often challenging and researching their own preferences. Ton was (is) no saint either, but rather a child of this time, being educated in more tolerant days, when an organisation like Martijn was still a respected institute, where people could talk rational and not over-emotional about coming to grips with possibly too strong man-boy affection.

I do not know, mind you, if he was in any way attracted to young guys, I only know of my own erotic experiences with him, and I'm very much an adult. I feel that these days the hunt for pedo-criminality is getting dangerously close to the McCarty-era witch-hunt of communists.

Do we really want the frail voices of children singing in churches on christmasday to dissappear forever? Because that happens if we continue this frenzy to stop all adult-child intimacy.

I do hope we can keep a balanced view on this issue in my country. Henk Krol's attempt to expose hypocricy in this field backfired in a disastrous way. I never was a fan of this Dutch spokesman for the entire gay community, but do feel his original intentions in outing a few people high in the ministry of justice and a church authority were meant to expose double standards and hypocricy. And I also feel that encounters with guys who seek the company (and more) of older men in parks and restsstops shouls as before not be considered a criminal activity, just as the hunt for boy grafix on the internet has gotten into ridiculous dimensions: We go the wrong way if showing pure tenderness, compassion or affection brings with it the risk of inprisonment.

mo 24-11-03

Sad

Several reasons to do a bit of contemplation:

• first, world aids day is upon us and it's more appropriate to do something about it than in previous years, since the roman catholic church has declared itself to be in favour of mass murder. If all of us now stop supporting this institution, on the perfectly legal argument that they support criminal acts; i.e. willingly denying a lifesaving device from people under death risk, it may make a difference. I have asked my parents, who are still strong roman catholoc believers, to do so. They agree with me, that to reduce their contribution to a minimum, as they do not want to leave the church, is appropriate action. They will resume their surplus donations when and if the church changes its policy. Meanwhile they'll redirect their charity donations to the UN and other non relgions organisations.

p.s.

another bit of crooked dutch law:
I agree with discouragingly high taxes on cigarettes, but why is it that cannabis, which a majority in this country want so remain legally available, under EC rules, cannot be taxed, resulting in the fact that the cannabis sold through the official medical outlets to patients with ms is 3 times as expensive as the variety sold for recreational use through our coffeeshops?

and while ranting on, a repeated plea:

why are poppers declared illegal in the Netherlands while no such action has beeen taken in neighbouring countries Belgium and the UK? Result: use has not gone down; prices have doubled, the trade has moved from gay communitycenters and bars to our renowned coffeeshops, that seem to be allowed to sell eveything illegal anyway. Coffeeshop owners toasted en masse to D' 66, the party responsible, and supposed to be in favour of transparent decisionmaking ???

I do miss Pim on days like this

fr 14-11-03

Robijn

is a soap-brand here in The Netherlands, owned by Unilever. It has always had a powerful gay appeal, and I still use Robijn liquid exclusively in my Zanussi. Frank Govers, a superqueeny fashiondesigner, who even did a gay fashionshow at our local gay center a year before his death was their main character in advertising. And their soap packaging has been used a lot on the monday-wasdag sex and dance parties here in Delft. (look who's showing off with clean underpants on that label, yes, me again!). It looks like the brandname may have a new Icon for their promotion as this week Bas Kosters has won the Robijn Fashion-award. Bas has blue-ed and blonded hair and a handfull of piercings in his face . Yeaah! One of my fav items in the show was the T-shirt shown here, proving that bas has a good sized dick. Well, the proof is in the eating, that's what I always say.

Finally, the Ron Mueck exhibition I told about here on 7-8, when I saw it in London is now in de Hallen, Haarlem. so go see it ! a preview is on delftboys and again, you need a password there.

th 13-11-03

butt again

The new edition of Butt is out. They also have increased the content on the website manyfold and was pleased to see my friend David of nightcharm has started to advertise in this great mag, that can only be compared to andy warhol's interview 25 years ago.
just like on 25-10 I have a few more quotes to prove it:

Now in the parks and sex clubs I used to like , people seem to become less and less comfortable. Everybody's more frantic and less in their bodies and more guilty and less respectful of each other. It's all like: "this is about me, and I'm gonna treat you like dirt", that kind of attitude. For me that's never what it's been about; it's been about a safe way to share a connection for a moment. What do you think caused the change? A lot has to do with the internet. I blame the Internet for the decline of public sex. It's a new way for gay men to treat each other like shit and not have to take responsability for it. We all know we like to treat each other like that in a way, but on the net it's worse: You reveal one little detail that might separate you from the other's stereotype ideal and BOOM, click, gone. In a bar they at least have to say: sorry, gotta go to the bathroom.

My thoughts exactly . .

tu 11-11-03

wild boys

have been discussing the theme of Burroughs' Wild Boys and the equivalent but real Berlin phenomenon in the Weimar years (and now revived in Cazzo pornvids) these last few days with Joe Patton my extreem friend from Littlerock, Arkansas (yes my friends, that link requires you to gain access to the masterclass of delftboys), so I tried again to find some material online. The entire Duran Duran clip can be viewed here, but getting an image of the boys jumping out of their holes? fat-chance! Nowhere is the close-up shot of simon Lebon's wet crotch, as he's repeatedly dipped under water tied to windmillwings, to be found. If anybody has that? pleeez respond.

now to the theme of wild boys: seem to be a lot of 'm around these days: 1m90 at least high, flat bellies, bullebutts, members to fit. Also filled up with the blue pills to keep them up and some more red pills to keep their selfconfidence pumped. Which means they're quite an agressive/arrogant little breed, very prone to punching an elbow or knee into the stomack of anybody over 35 who wants to get into their action . Yesterday however, at the Boss at least one of them made me overcum my reluctance by inviting me into the bed-booth there with at least 5 others, making the small space filled to capacity and them repeatedly banging their heads on the ceiling (yes these guys stand tall and the bed is up at 80 cm already) I was at the bottom of all this, buried under tons of ass, opening up one spincter after he other. Had expected theyd all leave after spreading their respective loads over me, but to my great surprise one guy, who'd obviously enjoyed my work on his hole the most, stayed behind to reveive my load, not on his chest but right in his smiling face. Hmmm. Would not mind repeating that a few times.

tu 04-11-03

good, bad, ugly

very un-interesting wasdag last nite. Am seriously thinking of throwing in the towel. Should I do the next one, the last one of the year, as a grand finale? It's tempting. would be better if I could pass on the baton to somebody else, but there just does not seem to be anybody.

To turn to a more positive note, I just re-read quite a bit of the forum contributions on thye topic of kinky sex over at nightcharm. A contribution of mine in both of the most-read-topic threads. Still have not changed my opinion since I wrote that over a year ago.

mo 03-11-03

Prophecy came true

Bee talking about the new sewage system and problems that may arise when things go wrong on october 19th. It looks that those gorgeous guys with the great ascracks mooning down in the sandpits below my windows have been reading this diary and did just what I was dreading. Last weekend I got a panic-call from downstairs: the toilet bowl was overflowing! As one of the guys above me was having a shower with his (girl)friend at the time and us never having had problems like this before, this could only mean one thing: they indeed forgot our pipes! They had alsso forgotten about my motorbike entrance at the side of the garden and made a parkingspace right in front of it, blocking my bike inside. Well the boys just laughed a bit, dug up the street again, found the dead-end pipes, connected them, repaved the street, with the most luxurious access ramp for my bike that you can think of ( 3 meters wide, as they did not have anything smaller than carport ramps ), the shit is flowing freely again, and they still show great asscracks every now and then.

su 26-10-03

€urologic

We've always been the sweetest boy in the class. Holier than the pope, the nerdiest, you said it, I said it. The Dutch is what I'm talking about. Poppers had to be made illegal becoz it was so in the rest of Europe, we were told. Or that's what good old minister of health (health?) Borst said 2 years ago, so now we have to import them from Belgium or the UK, where they're sold visibly all over the place at half the price they cost here now. Also the product has disappeared from gay horeca and popped up all around the Dutch coffeeshops Hey, there, I here you say, wasn't that where you buy hash in the Netherlands, and hey, wasn't that illegal all over Europe too?
As the cities close to Dutch borders are having a hard time because of drugs tourism our current minister of justice had thought out a plan that made it impossible for foreigners to buy hash in Dutch coffeeshops. Now, in its infinite wisdom the European commission has declared that ruling unlawfull and illegal. So resuming: it is illegal to prevent illegal activity by a person from another country if citizens of the country itself are not prevented to act illegally. You see, that's discrimination and that's always more illegal than ingesting illegal substances...., but is not, eh, well is, but... So here the EC declared tolerance illegal, in a way, I think I need a smoke, eh, a drink, as I don't smoke, after this, as I cannot follow my own writing anymore. Cheers, to creativity and how the version from Bruxelles always out-creates the Dutch' !

sa 25-10-03

Butt mag is fab !

I told you before and I'll tell it again!
I could leave you with the link, but here's a typical interview exerpt from the mag, as sample:

Ryan is quickly becoming an international photographic sensation, which is interesting to watch, but he’s doing it mostly by being hard-working, consistent, and earnest: a revolutionary approach to becoming famous in America. The last time I was in New York I got into a fight with Ryan. He called me a hypocritical, superficial old fart, and I called him a social climbing, apolitical young fart. But we were on a coke-binge at the time, so the next day, when he looked at me with those big brown eyes, which may be blue, I can’t remember, everything was fine. This is Ryan’s very first interview ever, so he was a bit concerned that he may have revealed too much of himself in it. But I assured him that the more you tell the truth in interviews, the less inclined people are to believe you.
Bruce: This is for Butt Magazine, so what do you think about your own butt. Ryan: Well, I don’t really think about my own butt too much, but I’ve heard that I have an okay ass. I got a bangin’ ass. I sort of have a black person’s ass, but not really. But for a skinny white boy that should have a flat ass, it’s okay. It’s pretty good. This is so retarded. I’ve never given an interview in my entire life. Well this is a good first one then. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. Do you have a hairy crack? No, I’m pretty non-hairy. But there’s hair there. It’s in the photos I gave to Butt. There’s evidence. I don’t have hair on my ass, only in the crack of my ass. That’s what I asked. So that’s a “yes”. But I’m happy that it’s not on the rest of my ass. Would you ever shave your ass? I’ve never shaved my ass. Would you? No. Maybe if I had a hairy ass I’d shave it. Have you sent them the pictures with my ass in the air? Yes. Oh good. You wouldn’t shave your crack? No, I wouldn’t shave my crack. That’s for the gays. The gays who take their shirts off and dance to techno. So when did you lose your anal virginity? I was there, right? Yeah, well you weren’t there there, but you were in town. You were in New York. And I introduced you to the guy who robbed you of your anal virginity. He didn’t really rob me. You gave it up willingly? I gave it up willingly. Maybe it would have been better if he’d robbed me. It wasn’t an ass raping? No. That’s too bad. Oh well. Because you can only lose it once. I can’t really remember where I was, but I know I got really really fucked up. Something new for a change. I got really super drunk and it was about 3 a.m. and I guess that’s when the deed went down. Do you remember it, or were you in a blackout? I wish I was in a black out. I remember it was painful. It wasn’t very enjoyable the first time. I was warned not to give it up because once you give it up you’ll become a permanent bottom. A baji boy. I don’t want to disclose too much information. You don’t want to disclose whether you’re a top or a bottom or an in-between? Because you know all the greatest artists have been bottoms. All the great gay artists. Well, that’s what you told me at first. I was arguing both sides. I was advising you not to, but on the other hand all the great artists are bottoms, like Warhol and Passolini and Genet and Rock Hudson and Paul Lynde and Charles Nelson Reilly. So anyway, I got fucked up my ass really hard. It happened. And he has a pretty big one, too. Oh yeah. It was a big dick. I guess that was helpful. Yeah, it cleared the path for thousands more to come. Anyways, so the next day – this was the bad part – when you’re drunk and you get fucked up your ass, you don’t really have much control... You mean control of your shit? This is the reason they call it the nasty, I guess, because the next day I woke up and it was bad. It’s like an abortion almost. It is like an abortion, but a disgustingly shitty abortion. I woke up before him, and he had white sheets and I realized that I’d made a mess of myself all over his bed and it was really bad. It’s like deflowering a virgin. Yeah, so I tried to clean up as much as I could before he woke up, but they were white sheets... It’s hard to clean shit out of white sheets without putting them in the washing machine. It was bad, but he was really cool about it. When you’re gay you just literally and figuratively have to get over shit. Occupational hazard. Some people even get to like it. Yeah, some people. Like Robert Mapplethorpe. If the sheets were clean afterwards, he would be disappointed. I was sitting with two of my friends, Eric and Sam, who are both straight... They claim. ...and I was lying on my couch in a sleeping kind of mode, but I was rubbing my dick up against it because I’ve been horny all day. Humping the couch. Yeah, yeah. And I had to take a shit too, and whenever I have to take a shit I always get really horny. Why? Because there’s something in my ass. Whenever there’s something in my ass, I’m horny. It’s like a disembodied dick, almost. It’s a disembodied dick the other way around. So when I was talking to you before I was taking a shit. I’m still taking a shit.
So how is it that the two gays started a predominantly non-gay graffiti crew? We’re starting a non-gay gay movement in New York right now. Oh good. We’re the coolest gay people in New York, by far. Well, that goes without saying. And that’s why you hang out with us. Right. I don’t associate with the usual gays, the normal gays. Anyway, Kunle and I started a graffiti crew in New York. I don’t write graffiti myself, but I consider myself the group photographer.

You have a gimmick. We do have a gimmick. And then if anyone has a problem with us we’re all fighters anyway, and we’re always willing to fight people. That’s such a good image for homosexuals because the prevalent image now is that they’re just all normal, wimpy, boring, average, and non-threatening. We’re always ready to throw down. Whenever anyone has a problem with us we’re not scared. I think people like us for that. I’m not scared to fight. Cool. And the best part is usually when we fight we win, so after you’re done beating somebody up you can say, “You just got your ass kicked by a faggot.” Yeah. It’s like rubbing it in. Now the other guys on your crew, the non-gay gays in your non-gay gay crew, are so cute. Dash and Eric and... ...Nico and Kid America.

So there’s a mutual friend of ours called Terrence, aka Asianpunkboy, who has a new art book/high-quality fanzinesque type thing out, the Empty City issue, and you and I both have photographs in it and it’s a limited edition of 200 and it has photos of you doing what? Of me sucking on someone’s dick. There’s a great story behind it. He’s not a gay, the guy whose dick your sucking. No, he’s not a gay. It’s a friend of mine and yours named Gavin McInnes who is the editor of this great magazine called Vice which comes out of New York. Which started out in Canada. He’s Canadian, like me. Anyway, he’s a great friend of mine, he’s a straight, and ever since I’ve met him he’s always revealing his penis to me and it’s so big that I’ve always been so fascinated with it and I’ve always wanted it in my mouth. And not in your ass? Not in my ass. I don’t think I could get it in my ass. That’s far too intimate for friends. Far too intimate. But what’s a dick in the mouth between friends. So about a month ago he passed out on this roof at a party because he was too drunk. Not an uncommon occurrence. Not at all. So I took this opportunity to unzip his pants and suck his dick. Wow. A dream come true. Yeah, it was a dream come true. And I guess it was highly documented by numerous people who were at the party. It must have been like paparazzi, flash bulbs going off... It was. And I guess one of the photos turned up in Asianpunkboy’s new book. And he did have his eyes open for part of it and he didn’t tell me to stop, so that was exciting. So you better watch out when you’re around me.

for more: butmag.com or buy the fucking thing!

Back to our sceduled programming:
Also had fun at the rebirth of the Shaft in Rotterrdam. It took longer than Wasdag to get nice but when it did it did: I fingered a piece of hard turd out of a guys ass, stuck it in my mouth and kissed him. And the guy was not emberrased , he just smiled en then he came...
Rotterdam-Amsterdam 1-0 (see COC-leather below).

tu 21-10-03

what difference does it make?

My downstairs neighbour noticed this still-life on top op my workspace and recorded it. What it means? Just think about it; the results of a mixup. The mind boggles . . .indeed! And, eh . . . they're not there anymore. I should say this here as some flasks contain(ed) what these days here are supposed to be illegal substances. Thanks mrs. Borst, this ridiculous ruling will at least assure I'll never èver vote D66 anymore.

su 19-10-03

staying fresh, mm huh?

Me ? fresh ? ask Jaap!
I'd like to stay on topic here, but it's hard as I'm running a bit in circles, but not bored with it YET !
So I went to Vagevuur last week and COC-leather this week. The COC proving the dirtiest event: as I was fisting one of the most gorgeous asses I'd ever seen (and what was on the other side and above was not lookin or tastin too bad either). I just kept on moving from the guys ass to his face and just loved the taste of both. As I kept exploring the guys bowels I triggered one of his reflexes and Woops, there I had a whole lot of tasty content in my hand. I told him I was not at all having a problem with that and proved it by getting my tongue deep in there once again, re-appearing from there with a sweet brown nose and mouth. I saw quite a few angry faces around me, and the guy himself just uttered: "I was afraid that was going to happen" and made a panick-dash to the paper dispenser in the corner. I joined thim there to reconfirm I kind of enjoyed it, and would love to explore further, if not there then maybe at the next vagscat? But his panicsensors had all triggered, so off he was, not to be seen anymore. Hope he reads this though and will be able to make it to Eindhoven on november 22nd. the mouth waters . . .
To continue on topic . . .
It's not that I don't clean up around the house (although), but a nasty smell has been noticable near the Vermeerstreet and Oostsingel. It comes from the underground ! yeah right, I hear you say.
It's true though: A new sewage system, separating rainwater and sewage, is being inserted deep below the street. The groundwaterlevel must be reduced for that, which everybody in this country knows is a risky operation, as our wooden supportstructures underneath the houses can rot, with disastrous consequences. I"m so happy to be home all of this week as I've been drooling from window to window watching all these tasty blokes in cranes, trucks, or just deep down in the mud; hmmmm! Just hope I have not scared them off though, as much as I'm into dirt, it's too dreadfull to think of the consequences when they forget to reconnect that one pipe coming from our house.

sa 11-10-03

My own movieprojects

Having written a lot on pornstars of late I feel it's time to write about my own projects some more. One has been online a while, partly. It's a small preview of a shoot I did at Vagevuur called photoshoot. It was such a tender and sweet fistscene of one of the most beautifull asses I've ever seen. It belongs to a guy called Keith So here's the link (6,5 meg 10 minits) to it. The video is for sale only at the Vagevuur premises. They don't do mailorder as the content is still reason for confiscation by UK customs and a few other countries as well. My main vidproject I told you about in the previous entry will get a sneek preview here too. Just writing about it here makes me feel it's time to visit the vagevuur again, maybe tonite?

tu 28-9-03

our little handfull

Got back to the diarypage of pornstar Jeff Palmer. Well I always thought I was a fast runner, but to this guy I humbly take off my hat. Certainly not the most intellectual weblog you've seen, but the only one that has the word fuck in evry line! Did remind me a lot of the film Boogie Nights, Jeff making music and all . . .
the boogylink leads to an anthem page that also has the biography of Johnny Wadd, the pornstar the movie was based on. Compelling (if you can read between the usual USA-moralistics) reading.

Stayed home last nite, missing my favorite night at the Vagevuur! A spell of flue had me nailed to my couch last nite and to my pc screen today. This and dear Jeff's rant reminds me to get myself tested once again: I'm not as suicidal as he is, and just want to be sure my status has not changed since this spring. Don't feel like writing much either. Well luckily Martin came along to get the final edit of the VagScat video back to Eindhoven, so with any luck the première will be on november 22nd! I will be there then for sure. Don't want to miss the opening nite of the first official dvd I edited, lighted, and shot partly, and acted in and did the soundtrack for.

tu 17-9-03

Pronounciation

Laughed myself silly all day as our dutch foreigh minister was promoted to secretary General of Nato. Newsreaders on the BBC did try to get Jaap de Hoop Scheffer right, at CNN and NBC they just didn't bother and kept going on about mr daHoepSkeffrr. WOW!
Luckily we all forgot how terrible Ruud Lubbers and Pim Fortuyn were in English,

Kept on laughing as the BBC showed Kiss me Guido. What a sweet funny movie ! what a great set of songs in the soundtrack! Go listen and see: a great little Queer movie!

we 17-9-03

confirmation

Talk about the title of the previous chapter:
if only this guy had such a weapon!

Was held back from writing another chapter here because the title of the sept 1st piece was soo good, on the other hand the cartoon showing George Bush did make me resent even opening this page. So after reading from a book by , pornstar who died of aids in 1998, and realising we were on very similar paths, mindwise, made me select a few quotes and pix that look and fit much better.
( his quotes are in yellow )

Here's one of the guys who lived the word "pride". Paving the path that now enables politicians to confess their darkroom preferences, former pornstars to become university-pprofessors, young gays to get married and then proclaim liberation went too far,
must I go on?
Problem I see coming with this submission is its getting out of hand lengthwise; I'm still reading on the other screen, and finding more great quotes each minit. Whell, I'll just have to find some more images of this guy, or roll out a 1:1 scale dickimage at the leftside of the page to keep you from getting bored.
So here's quite a bit of quoting; yes, It all does sound familiar doesn't it?

Fitting with my own rant of 4-9:
I know what it means to be proud of myself & my sexuality. I've marched in quite a number of Gay Pride Parades, and I've learned a lot from it. Maybe the most interesting thing I learned was that the parade doesn't mean diddly-squat. it's what you do about your sexuality the other 364 days of the year that matters in your psyche. And hiding your sex in a darkened bedroom, with drawn curtains, doesn't strike me as an indicator of a healthy mind in a healthy body. 'Haunting it' on the beach, in a park, in a tearoom, or on the street, whether with your lover or with a lovable stranger now there's my idea of real Gay Pride.

and here's the other side of the same coin:
My point is that we're not limited to 'face'less, 'name'less' encounters. I have had many such encounters in my life; some of them rank among my most cherished memories. Many other episodes that began in the woods continued in a bedroom, or a bathhouse, or somewhere else, and some eventually became long-term, emotional, romantic involvements. I will never say a word against romance; it has provided me with the sweetest moments of my life. But some of those romances would never have happened if I hadn't tucked with an initially-nameless stranger in the woods. Sleaze and romance aren't mutually exclusive. They're complementary. Do without the other does not make a complete life. In the darkest recesses of my libido there is both a lover and a faceless stranger. To one, I tenderly make love; by the other, I am brutally raped. Which one gets me more excited? I'll never tell.

Henk Krol, this segment is for you:
When I was 12 and 13 years old I would have joined NAMBLA (North American Man-Boy Love Association) in a minute, because I knew I was gay and I wanted to go out and get laid, not just read 'The Gay Mystique'; I needed personal contact. NAMBLA is taking the risks that no one is willing to take... They're the only ones acknowledging that adolescents actually do have sex lives. There is another basic reason to support NAMBLA. They are the voice of dissent in the gay movement today, the whipping boy, the fashionable group to condemn... I say, watch out, tomorrow that whipping boy could be you... In efforts of gay establishment to suppress NAMBLA I see the seeds of tyranny."

The next bit is compulsory reading if you think of the recent closure of the Shaft in Rotterdam and the Struggle the Vagevuur has to keep their combination of extreme darkroom and B&B afloat with ever-increasing regulations
(that our new Dutch governement has promissed to do something about, we'll see. . .)
The Coalition for Healthy Sex announced its annual Awards of Excellence to seven sexclubs this week. Seven other clubs ... did not meet the group's standards for hygiene and adequate lighting: Your editor finds this news report a bit distasteful. Perhaps you're aware of the old picture of a crowded sleigh, pursued by wolves, with one person being thrown out to keep the wolves busy while everyone else makes good their escape. That's what I'm reminded of: Hey, guys, if we send the Health Department after those terrible clubs that don't have lights, maybe they'll leave us alone! In the same vein, a columnist in the San Francisco Chronicle declared her opposition to all sexclubs, calling them purveyors of disease and death-while maintaining that she was a friend of the gay community, but it was those nasty people who were having sex in public that were causing the problem.
Can we just stop casting blame around like this, please? Personally, I prefer sex in the light (in fact, I'm strongly partial to full sunlight, oh dear sex on the beach is another thing that gives us gays a bad name) and I've found of late that I'm not nearly as promiscuous as I used to be-but that doesn't mean I go around casting stones at others who like darkness and multiple, anonymous encounters. Au contraire, I laud them: they are the ones on the edge now, the ones being subjected to public censure, and therefore they have my unconditional endorsement.
Sex Is Good
yes,
I've said that, and I'm likely to repeat it, and it's not only Good when it takes place in bright, clean, freshly scrubbed rooms. It's Good when it takes place in darkened parking lots behind the dumpster; it's Good when it takes place in sleazy darkrooms that are so crowded you can't possibly tell whose cock it is you're sucking; and it's Good when you're lying on a deserted tropical beach with a stranger who just wandered out of the bushes. (Yes, these are all especially memorable episodes from my own experience.) It was Good when I was 14, having sex with a 28-year-old man (who was clearly a bit freaked out by my aggressiveness); it was Good when I was in Georgia, sodomy law notwithstanding; it's been outstanding on-stage and on-camera; and it's been Good, if a bit amusing, in the toilet of a 747, somewhere over Missouri.
Are there cases when sex is no longer 'Good'? Of course: Anytime sex involves coercion. That's about the extent of it. It's tempting to start cutting out those instances where sex is 'unsafe,' and classify them as 'Bad'; but I won't do it.
'Unsafe' is a temporary definition; 'Good' is permanent. We'll still be having sex, and loving it, and hopefully loving ourselves, long after AIDS is just a horrible memory. Let's try not to get 'safe' confused with 'good,' shall we? They intersect, but they're not synonymous and I'm leery of any Awards of Excellence' that treat sex as a bargaining chip. Passing around information about clubs is one thing. Passing judgment on which clubs are 'better' than others can only be a personal opinion, and I fear the consequences of using this information in concert with State authorities to regulate consensual sex. I'm sure many of the clubs they endorse are fine places, offering good sleazy times; but I've also had wonderful (safe!) times at most of the other clubs that they decline to endorse. And extrapolating from the clubs that I know on both lists, I suspect I would feel more at home in the clubs on the 'bad boys' list.
To quote a Libertarian principle: "If you don't have the freedom to be wrong, you don't have any freedom at all." I believe that people should be practicing safer sex. Telling them they must do so, or, alternatively, shutting down the venues that refuse to tell them they must, is not going to change behavior; it will just destroy everyone's freedom.

safesex,
another o-hara effort here to 'clean' the issue:
My international traveling came to a screeching halt about five years ago, when I came to terms with my AIDS diagnosis. It had suddenly become necessary to talk about sex with potential partners beforehand. Oh, you can still stick to safer sex, whether or not your partner knows you're positive; but then, afterwards, while you're relaxing, he's almost certain to ask what those purple spots are and I'll have to tell him "They're lesions ... you know, KS ... Kaposi's sarcoma ... Have you heard of AIDS?" And chances are, he'll freak out. "I just had sex with you, and you didn't even tell me?" Yes, his reaction is irrational: he shouldn't have been doing anything to begin with that he'd be uncomfortable doing with a PWA-but it's also traumatic.
I don't enjoy scenes.
Better to bring it up beforehand. And my Italian, French, and German, while possibly sufficient for that one simple fact, are inadequate to the task of discussing it. So I swore off foreign travel 'until I get rid of this damn virus, but that resolution didn't last long. I went to Italy two years ago, and to Amsterdam, Berlin, London. I had sex with a number of Italians with whom I didn't discuss my health status. They didn't seem overly concerned about safer sex, butt stayed within my own personal boundaries (basically: no cum in mouth; no fuck without condom), and I assume they stayed within theirs. And still, I felt depressed after each encounter. In Berlin, I met two men (separately) who spoke excellent English; feeling somewhat more assertive, I told both of them I was HIV+. Both men shrugged, and said casually, "Then we'll have to be careful, right?" Talk about liberating! Best sex I'd had in months.
It was that contrast, as much as anything else, that made me get tattooed last spring. A tasteful, simple, black tattoo on my left shoulder that says 'HlV+'. I wanted to have that feeling of freedom 100% of the time; I didn't ever want to have that after-sex discussion again. It hasn't been an altogether successful experiment. but it's still better than having to shout:
"Yo, guys I've got AIDS! Who wants to play with me?"
Should it matter? No.
Does it matter? Yes.
They say sex is a universal language. Oh, the variations I've encountered in other countries the charming Latin stereotypes, the sexy Asian stereotypes, the butch Aussies give a different slant, a different accent;
but a hard dick needs no translation, just fellation.
One of our goals here at STEAM is to improve communication about sex-and I don't just mean across national borders, either. What's most important, not just because of the health crisis, but because it's good for the psyche, is that we learn to talk about sex. With partners, with parents, with legislators, with laymen. (I guess this is the one area where a professional is a 'layman.')

And so we come to Scott's showstopper:
You wanna know what behaviors I call unsafe? Smoking tobacco and drinking, sure; excessive drug usage, yeah; bareback fucking, probably. But most dangerous of all: swallowing someone else's dogma straight, without analyzing it yourself.

sa 1-9-03

weapons of ass destruction

That title is all the clever writing you get here today; the rest is purely an account of recent events.

(this posting almost was lost due to a pc-crash so out of chronology, but the title is so fitting with the images left, I just had to place it here)

First:
Last day of my nonstop partyweek: tomorrow 's switch to 'serious' will be hard. Birthday poolparty at Laundryday was great as usual. Best sex this week was at the pisparty thursday in DirtyDicks (in Amsterdam, for those of you who never got here before). So good to have a guy on his knees running behind your ass all nite. Taking everything that you throw at him; liquid or solid, and then paying you back with a beer and greatsmile brown thankyoukiss. To disapear without another word: my kind of attitude GGrrrmmm! So I was a bit limb at the COC leather the next day, even though that was looking hotter than ever with about a 1000 gorgeous men. The only problem is those dressed-up guys there. I think the gladiator (leatherstrips) skirts are a real turnoff. Never saw any of the guys wearing that get into action. Best actionguys wear rubber with bare butt or shoes only. No-hanghup guys: always the winners! Had a talk about the was- and bosswebsites. We have some nice crosslinking going now; do hope (well, I should say I'm sure, it works to the advantage of the attendance at both. We'll see tonite at wasdag.

Had an e-mail exchange with the Steward at mnsct too; were negotiating a coöperation setup. No, not getting married yet, although, he's mean and downright evil, so I just might fall for his ass.

we 10-9-03

More on topic

Found even more fitting music for these pages, but did not want to move the music here now (and described below; sep 6th), so placed it on the wasdag page. So have a listen there.
and I promiss: Monty Python's sit on my face is the next one in line

Been to the Boss, Den Haag (their new website is coming up shortly!) for 3 consecutive days now and tonight will probably follow as a fouth, as this will be my first wasdag-free day, now that has completely switched over to a monthly schedule.

Forgot to write about the COC-leather of last week, which now is at a peak and stands far above everything else as the only remaining quality sex and party event in Amsterdam. I'm happy to see they lowered the profile of agressive safesex police-ing the place. Mr B himself seems to have had a hand in it. He was handing out coupons for 25 free condoms at his shop. He has most to gain, as COC leather is his free fashionshow, where most of the 1000 guys attending play a part at showing off the latest rubber, leather, mesh or spandex-outfits he sells in his shops. These guys must be kept happy and healthy. A less aggessive strategy will work better than lighting up the dark corners and throwing out safesex offenders and too inquisitive searches for them. I'm happy to see that the guys at the back of the stage with their asses lifted and wide open were left in peace all night. Everybody who stuck his dick in them must be very aware of the risks by now or is on the cocktail. The slings were also moved from the sideroom to center stage and center balcony. Was that part of the same strategy? I wonder. Bringing in some more scaffolding, be it just to hang the slings is a good idea, which can be taken much further in future: Just returning from London and reviewing the Hoist with the permanent scaffolded topfloors there, I'd like to see a bridge built over the golden shower pool, so the guys down there can be showered from above. WOW!
A weird set of arguments flew around the web and phonelines this weekend as the 10 year anniversary of Kamaran Abdallah's death is approaching. He was a center-person in Delft and the Amsterdam cult/queer/bizar/art/theater-world in the glorydays of the Roxy and committed suicide in a sling at the Web. His farewell-cruel-world party was a great event back then and I can understand a lot of people would love to see these glorious days return in some way. So I'd welcome a remembrance celebration. What is weird is that this nice idea is axed as some of his former friends have that strange tendency to want to claim the dead for themselves. I know that tendency all too well from some old aunts in my mother's family, who cannot find greater satisfaction then by saying things like: "he never cared for him while he was alive, and look at him showing off now". Pity !

We homo-erotic-artlovers have been struck deeply by recent policychanges at Yahoo. The good thing is that lots of clever minds have taken steps to move their valued work to web-homes within traditionally tolerant counties like mine or France. Just look at male-art-toons that has cleverly moved it's images archives to France.
I just heard of an even more ridiculous action: A friend of mine received a warning that he had to withdraw a story from his pages or would be trown of the AVS service of Mancheck! I have not read the story but isn't there something like freedom of speech and press? What is the Age Verification Service for if it is not to enable adult content without confronting children? Mind you I never agreed with the concept in the first place. And if the USA thinks it can sensor the whole world their're likely to lose their last allies. Maybe it is wise to repeat here: There is NO legal NEED for an AVS system, in most European countries, although scaremongers may try to convince you otherwise. If the contents of your site is within the laws of your own country, a decent warning about the adult content is enough! And if you do want a password: getting one that's free and you control yourself (by giving adults who ask a pass through e-mail) is very easy to cut and paste. I had one on delftboys for years. That will be more than sufficient for Germany, where they do have some weird legislation set up, again due to questionable pressure from the US.

Two years after the WTC drama the images on the left give a good imporession of how fantastic the results are of the US in preventing trrorism around the world.

One last thing to end my reporting on a more optimistic note and to make clear that there are beautiful, sweet and inspirational Americans left out there:
found back one of my great inspirations at weblogging. He's changed identity before, but it took me a while to find him this time around as he also changed his name from Slutboy to Marquis Déjà Dû'. He gives a great and inspirational account of his attemp to stay sane in the alcohol and sex swamped and steamy nightlife of New Orleans. And I can vouch for the fact that it really is just that, as I did spend some time there in the early eighties.

sa 6-9-03

Time flies

pages filling up like mad so I splitted another season off here, which also means new music, an old PinkFloyd experiment this time, that I first wanted to use as intro of the Vagevuur scatvideo, but that got replaced by Audiobullies' We don't care.
Music by Erwin has moved to the season before, the link of which is all the way at the bottom. And you know: if you really have to throw up because of the music (the content of my writing, more likely), there is a switch-off button at the player all the way below too.

Tu 4-9-03

Pride

Another chapter of my socio-cultural-ranting about our future.

My downstairs neighbour got problems about a shopwindow display at our Gay Communitycenter drawing attention to prevention of sexually transmitted deseases. They said it would scare away new members. Well, it might, if these young guys keep promoting their self-loathing conserning their sexual orientation. We've worked 30 years to get this sense of pride into our comunity and get the rest of the world to just have to deal with us as we are, and now from within comes this movementr to withdraw from those conquered grounds. Why can't they deal with the beauty of sex, and the risks, for that matter. When even in South Africa they finally realise it's better to get things in the open, here in Delft the junior gays want to get back in their closets (and infect one another?)

sa 16-8-03

Completely Wasted

First:
I've added the word "girth" to the list to be filtered out of Outlook's inbox if it is in the message content; so do not use it if you want to describe your latest conquest to me.
Second:
talking about just that, and the fact that my jaws don't close properly this morning, my throat hurts, my ass too, the swallow reflex is out of order, my nipples still drip blood, Add to that the big grin that does not seem to subside from what remains of my face and you trusted regular readers will get the idea . . . Yes, I met "Henk" once again.
After the closure of Rotterdam's Shaft last year I thought I would nèver-èver meet up with him again. But over a full year most of the Rotterdam whores have found their way to "The Boss" in Den Haag and to my surprise that's where my friend Henk seems to live these days too!

For the rest I could suffice with a repeat of the entry I made april 30 last year. But I must add a few more bragging words: We did lock the door of the space where the above took place. I'm not in the habit of doing that but this time I thought, well maybe it's wise, coz there was very little room for curious spectators and it was pretty warm in there to start off with. So I have another first to report here, one you can only find at a weblog of a darkroompro: I was the center of talk all around the place, as nobody knew it had been me in there I was told: "Did you hear the choking and vomitting sounds that came out of that room? Wow, did that make me jealous". If that is no reason for an even wider and week-long grin on my face I don't know what is. :) :) :) :).

we 13-8-03

Oway

every year round this time it crops up on me; the convergence of 3 things: the end of summer, my birthday and the 'Owee' week. The end of summer is not such a problem this time; after sweltering heat for two months every degree the temp goes down is welcomed.
The birthday, well, we're not getting younger, I've learnt to deal with that, and as there is no longer any need for insecurities, sex has been so much better and more interesting from 40 upward, which brings me to my last issue, the ever more grinding communication with the younger generation. I do try not to be too hard on them, really! All I ask is a little bit of respect in return. With the laundryday I keep bumping into them. Why is it that the younger gays (hate that word, they picked it, not me) are so afraid of the population group that has no hangup about their sexlife and openly discusses and practices it? Because they know it is their future too? (I hope and prey for them). We all know it helps to be open: the number of new STD's, especially syf and HIV, is highest amongst age-group 18-30 and even higher for guys into steady (?) relationships. age-group 30 to 50 seems to lead a much saner life, have shed the belief in perfumed gardens with just the one Adam in it and behave accordingly: much safer. I was trying not to get back to this issue and if the outsite guys would leave the wasdag posters alone and would be a bit less embarassed (bare-assed) about sexuality and be so bold as to just link to the wasdag on the site instead of describing it with a lot of quotationmarks in the text to put extra distance inbetween us, I promiss you'll be spared from this boring repeat- text by me. (there is a link there, but it takes 3 clicks and is very hard to find)

Where are we in our world where tolerance and respect are under pressure from and for all kinds of minorities if we cannot even bring ourselves to respect others within our own minority.
And why claim the owee week for yourself, i.e. outsite when the result is you estrange yourself from the rest of the community and throw overboard the vast resources in experience, much needed manpower, money even, that the older generation is eager to bring in?

To end on a higher note just a link to a much funnier written piece on the issue of homophobia by my artist-friend Mike Kirwan's in his rants. (don't you luv his flag?)

tu 7-8-03

Away

short trip in this heat-record-breaking summer. So I stayed out of the sun most of the time in London. Did get a lot of books, had some great sex at the Hoist, visited one of the nicest galleries in existence: adonis art, and visited the most interesting new tourist attraction: the Saatchi Gallery. Always been a great fan of the art choices of mr Saatchi and I've written here before about the work of Jake and Dinos Chapman when their 'Hell' was shown in the Groninger museum. Now I've fallen in love with the work of Ron Mueck. So much so that I plan to do a page on him over at the db pages. One may argue that hiw work is not meant to be homo-erotic, but his exhibitionism to me is very much just that!

I must also thank Simon and Ron, who were so sweet to accomodate me at their house in Forest Hills where I had a most impressive view over the entire city. A great newly acquired landmark of the city is this superdildo:

To top the Uk experience off I just now watch a fantastic concert by the Who from Royal Albert Hall on BBC1. They have a multitude of heroes on stage there in one-off collaborations such as Won't Get Fooled Again featuring Noel Gallagher, So Sad About Us featuring Pete Townshend and Paul Weller, Substitute featuring Stereophonics frontman Kelly Jones, and I'm One and Getting In Tune with Pearl Jam's Eddie Vedder. Other stand-outs are Bryan Adams with Eddie Vedder on a rousing version of See Me Feel Me, as well as a brilliant version of Behind Blue Eyes by Bryan Adams. Violin Virtuoso Nigel Kennedy also performed a superb rendition of Baba O Riley. Great thrill to see a greying band so much alive and fresh. The more so as yesterday at our local gay club they showed the movie "Like it is" with Roger Daltrey (the who's lead singer for those who do not know) playing a gay boyband promotor/producer. Great film altogether, straightforward and honest as far as the sex is concerned. 2 Gorgeous guys playing the leadroles too. the more amazing when you think it was made a few years ahead of Queer as Folk and is even more vivid and vibrating amidst the UK's gay clubscene.. All so weird, as I just remember I saw the Who live in Rotterdam in 1972 !
Life not so bad . . .

su 27-7-03

lots of stuff

First: I got a new favorite band and they'll be playing here in my hometown Delft open-air on sunday august 30 at 16h15. This is a phenomenal speedrock-band that you just gotta see and hear. "Smokin'Ass" of course is my fav songtitles from them. The singer of Peter Pan is called "Fat Dennis" and his image is to the left here. He has Dutch gay crooners Johnny Jordaan and Willy Alberti tattood prominently on his belly. They were world famous here in the fifties and Alberti's daughter, actress/singer too, comparable to girls like Tammy Wynette or Bette Middler, carries the lifelong title of "Dutch national gay mother" and is the traditional closing act at Amsterdam's canalpride now for 6 years in a row (again next sunday, see pix, program and hear her on www.amsterdampride.nl.
unfortunately I have no soundsample here, as the one you got now is from the band of one of my dearest tenants, Erwin Radjinder, who'll be playing with his band on the same stage on friday the 29th at 20h00. He's in the running for winning the Peter Tetteroo cup, another gay singer and frequent visitor of our local gay bar (we only have one) who passed away last year, older americans may remember the hitsong "My belle Amie" by his band the Teeset, which was a US nr.1 chartsong in the late sixties. another item: I got pirated for the first time: Images of delftboys were URL-lifted to a pirate webforum. As they had not even bothered to copy them, nor placed references to the author or the site they were solen from, it was easy to stop them by changing the URL. The images concerned were the entire Wild and raunchy Son cartoon by Josman. Which is pretty controversial to start with. The hypocrits had the nerve of adding comments like: "this disgusting stuff is what gives us gays a bad name and should be banned" luckily I do not consider myself to be part of the group of people who feel they are "gay" which in my opinion stands for the low educated 'silly blonds' catagory of people who don't dare to call themselves homosexual.
If they wanted it banned, why did they leave the images linked? I ask myself.

on the sex front all is going so-so. Long hot summer is not the best thing to get us going. Next week I may hop off to London for a long weekend, if I go I will miss a'dam-pride altogether. The week after I'll be at the Vagevuur both for the pissparty as to finalise the scatvideo. Oh yeah forgot to mention a good session here at home with a guy called G, who came straight from Miami and after landing at Schiphol airport, just wanted to have his ass eaten first. hmm.

su 6-7-03

poolparty

It sure felt like there was little else I could do for the past few weeks then get the delftboys artsite relaunched. It did take me much more time than I expected to get the free-ass section ( now is that a typo or what; free-art, of course) and the masterclass re-integrated and still that job is not finished. Lots of artists and themes to explore too. History being high on the wish list, but true homo-erotic content is hard to find beween the Romans and modern times, with just a small glitch of Renaissance.

Well at the 'moment supreme', midnite july 1st I was not behind the pc, but having sex in the water at the wasdag. No images of that moment, I'm afraid. I did bring the cam, but it is hard to concentrate on both things.
anyway, we had a poolparty once again as a last event before the summerbreak, and it was a blast!

2002/2003

It's all here

my whole account on a weird fall
and so much more
if you got the time
read on . . . or . . .

contact: e-mail
or go to the cam page